15. A Letter From Past You

15. A Letter From Past You

Dear Future Me,

It's been TEN years, You're already 28 years old! How have we been? I hope by now we've got a Master's degree in Psychology! I still haven't shifted (Oh no!). And you're working! Then, I hope we're still planning of pursuing a Psy. D. degree because isn't it our goal to be a Psychologist? It'll be a long road but don't ever give up because giving up is for wimps and we're not a wimp!

Are you too busy with work and studying, at the same time? Don't ever forget to look after mom, she's getting old and needs to be taken care of - like now - and dad, even if we don't see him a lot, always have the time to text or call him to check him up, he's also getting pretty old. Is bro in abroad now? I hope so and you should probably persuade him in sending you a box of chocolate - hopefully, you're not diabetic now. I know that you miss watching movies with him and patty, do watch more world war two documentaries to broaden your knowledge about it. How's our little sister? Do we still have time for her? Does she still hate it when we hug her and do stupid stuff in front of her? Is she working now? She always wanted to have a business of her own, or a boss - HA!. Or do they already have a family? Do you have pamangkin's now?! I hope you're giving them your time too - and i hope you still know how to change a diaper.

When was the last time you've got together with Kae, Norge, Ellaine, Ynna, Connie and the others or our high school friends? Start planning, don't ever forget about them! The key is to go somewhere with tons of food! Have you met new people? I hope they love eating and movies too! Are they a good influence? Have you been saving money? Because I haven't saved any, I've been spending everything on food - ugh -, I hope you're more of a saver and have saved more than a million now!

Have you traveled to Batanes yet? With whom? Was it fun? I hope it is! It's always been on our bucket list! Or have you traveled all over Philippines now? (World too) Haha, Always remember that you need to rest and one way to do it is to travel! You need to travel! Remember, we always wanted to witness the different cultures and beliefs of each countries, to see the beauty especially the natural resources. Do you have a thick compilation of postcards with the experiences in each places you went to? Keep it, it'll be a great memory to go back to someday!

Do you still have a Journal? you should probably read the things we wrote back then, I know you'll be so frustrated on the things we wrote - maybe embarrassed! You know, it's better to write your feelings down when you're frustrated or hurt. That's always been our habit back then and it did wonders to make us feel better.

Always remember that a lot of people loves you and don't ever forget them. Thank them for all the things they did for you and pay them back if you can! I hope you're more confident in yourself and proving everyone who looked down on us that they're wrong. Don't forget to do your very best and don't ever get lazy going to work.  Don't be scared on doing something you want - don't do it if it's wrong, stop it - and always be happy, stay positive because every problems we're facing is just an obstacle to reach our goals.

I want to write a lot of things for you but always remember, even if one or all of these things haven't happened yet. Don't worry, we still have a lot of time to achieve it. Be confident and everything will come into place. By the way, I hope you're not a grumpy old woman now if so, please stop, how will you find your significant other - I'm assuming you haven't found him yet - with that? Come on, loosen up, you only live once! If you have found him and already have a family of your own, shower them with love, spend time with them and never ever leave them.

Anyway, Please take care of yourself and maybe you should write a letter back hahaha or reply through putting it in our journal. I love you

With love,
Your Eighteen-year old self

14. One Act of Kindness

14. One Act of Kindness

It's so easy to tell something but when it comes to doing it, it's difficult. Or maybe people blabber on doing a certain thing but in reality, they aren't doing shit - sorry for the word - and actually do the opposite. Yes, I've witnessed how others boast about helping another person - would only choose the people who they'll help - but they would expect something from that person later on. 

One should not boast on the 'Good Deeds' you do. Actually, you should do something willingly than talking behind the person's back after helping them. It's absurd, These people just wants to be praised and have a red carpet on their walkway.  I'm not saying all people do such a thing, some people who tell their good deed wants to share their experience and influence others which is fine, I guess.

Growing up, I was exposed to giving small presents for those in need. When I was around six to ten years old, My family and I would drive along Paranaque City to Caloocan City. If we see a child who has ragged clothes, we’ll stop the car and one family member would come out and give the gift-wrapped toy. It’s a great feeling seeing the children have this wide smile and their parents thanking for the present.

When I was in High School, my organization would have outreach programs. We would go to a certain place and give out clothes and food. There was also a time where children from the streets was invited inside our school. Each student would be assigned to one or two children and it’s our responsibility to pack their lunch and take care of them. We would be making programs and contests, it was a very memorable day for me and my friends.

As I got to College, I learned that not every “beggar” you see should be given money. Sometimes those children you will see on the streets would give the money they have got to someone and they won’t get anything. Others would be angry and curse you if you can’t give them money – In my case, I was going to enroll for my second semester and I only had bills, no coins. – so, it’s really hard to know if it’s worth it or not.

But there was one occurrence when I was about to go home after my classes. While I was walking in front of Caltex to wait for a jeep, I saw this very old man with dirty clothes, a big sack full of clothes and the other, garbage. I had all my allowance and I was pretty sad while looking at him. He was sitting on the cement, maybe tired. I went up to him and asked if he wants some food. 

He replied, “Sure”. I wanted to be sure that when I get back, he would still be there. 
I walked to Jollibee and bought two pieces chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, chocolate sundae, coke and water. I went back and gave it to him, he was very thankful. I felt this feeling of happiness that I was able to help someone.

There was another event when I was in a Jeep, an old woman went in carrying a little girl. The old woman had this really strong smell that people who sat next to her would move at the other side. She was going to pay for their fare but the Jeepney driver said it was fine. I heard the little girl told her she’s hungry and my heartache because they really did look so dirty. I wanted to treat them food but I don’t know if she’ll approve. So, when it was my time to come down. I gave her money and then the other passengers started giving money and she was crying. I went home and when I stepped inside my house, I cried too for their life.

We’re lucky that we have a home – rent or owned -, food on the table, have the money to go to school, work, clean clothes and everything the people in the streets doesn’t have the luxury to have. We should be thankful and appreciate what we have.

13. Moving On

13. Moving On

"Dad, Stop hitting Mom!"

I hated how the only thing that I could do back then was cry and say those words.

Growing up, I lived in a household of fear and trauma. I can never deny the feeling of hating myself for being a young child that's useless from the loud shouts and physical wounds my parents inflict on each other.

My siblings and I got so used to it that every night when my dad gets home late, drunk, and we'd wake up from shouting outside the threshold of our bedroom. We would huddle together and have a planned strategy to stop them. My brother was always the one who looks after us - my younger sister, patty, and I- and he's also the one who comes between my father and mother while I look after patty in the distance, watching and telling them to stop.

I thought it was normal for a family to experience these problems. Normal to be relieved when my father goes to work and normal that he gets home drunk and smells strongly of alcohol. But as I was maturing, I realized it's not normal. It's not normal to run to your room when your father comes home, not normal to be silent in the house in fear of getting scolded by him.

When one day, my mom got tired of this routine, she could see that it was affecting us terribly. We decided to see psychologists, It was quite fun. I liked this one woman, she had a very beautiful smile and she could calm you down - maybe that's why I want to be one -. They did help our family, the physical hitting stopped and the wounds were healing but it would always leave scars in our hearts.

My father is an alcoholic, he did stop for some years but it came back. They say that you can never fully heal someone's addiction when they don't even want to be helped. He would go to bar's and repeatedly committed acts of infidelity. There were so much events that resulted to my parents getting separated. 

You would have thought that we would cry for this decision but it was as if, we breathed a big sigh of relief.  My siblings and I live with my mom and we got more closer, our family got stronger for all the hardships we're facing. This decision was for the better because in some way, my father realized the importance of his children - even if it depends on his mood.

They say that the things or experiences that you are exposed to when you were young will influence your life as you grow up and make a family of your own. 

That has been proven, you see, it happened to my father's family and it struct me, I don't want to be like him - harsh but it's true -, I'm scared that someday I would make bad decisions and make my family suffer while I have a good time. I fear of being addicted on something and can never turn back from it. I don't want to have a big debt that I wouldn't give my family the right amount of money or to loan more money only to be able to have my children go to school late. I don't want to scar anyone around me or have my family go through this experience, i don't want them to feel what I felt, it hurts and it's not easy. I'm just scared that someday I would be just like him.

But you know what, I can't always mope about this that is why I'm striving hard to finish and get a job. I realize that I want to help other people, especially children, with traumatic experiences. I want to prove that my past won't affect my future.  I want to be a psychologist, it will take a while but it'll be worth it.

12. Past Blues

12. Past Blues

Have you ever felt attached to someone you haven't really seen? You read books and watched movie's about that person's life and felt saddened by the experiences and struggles the individual felt?

World War II

The Second World War occurred when Adolf Hitler blamed the Jews and showed his hatred to them, doing everything he could on his power to get rid of them through various technique's such as the Train of Death - wherein thousands of Jews died by the fall of the train -, Concentration Camps - the Jews were not given any food and water to survive, built by barbed wires around them having no way to escape and more that millions of Jews died in the hands of the Nazi's.

My obsession with reading or watching the World war two documentaries started when I read an autobiography entitled, "The Diary of a Young Girl: Anne Frank". It's the journal of Anne Frank that was published by Otto Frank, the father who lost his whole family during the war. In that book, It showed how they did everything on their power to hide from the German's in a place called "Secret Annex" for two years. During that two years, Anne Frank and her family lived quietly and terrified of being captured, day by day they listen to the radio to know what's happening outside of their haven. And amid this, she wrote everything about the events she witness and you can see how she's growing up to be a fine woman. Before the end of the war, the Frank family got captured and was taken to different concentration camps, and there they died either on starvation or sickness.

I have read the book numerous times, It doesn't cease to make me cry every time I was done reading. My siblings and I are suckers when it comes to movies and the past events of the world. So, it's not surprising that we every weekend or on our free time, We would watch movie's together. After reading the Diary of Anne Frank.


We watched "Anne Frank: The Whole Story (2001)", It got us right in the feels and at the end of it we were either teary-eyed or were burst into tears.

In the book, It only shows Anne Frank's Point-Of-View and her family's stay in the Secret Annex but in this Film it also shows Otto Frank's Point-Of-View and the other people that they interacted and helped them during the times of terror. It shows how they were captured in the Annex - through a worker that found out their were Jews living in the little business building- and their lives in the Concentration Camps, how they lived working and was separated. Witnessing how the other Jews are being treated and killed. Lastly, It shows how their family tries to survive together and their affection to one another.

And the most heart-wrenching part is when Otto Frank waited for his family to come out in the train station until the station was empty. Finding out that no one on his family survives, he went back to the place where the Secret Annex was located, one of his trusted friend gave him the Journal of Anne Frank, read it and cried with anguish for the loved ones he lost.

The Next Film we watched is, "The Pianist (2002)". This is another film that left us moved and sad by the outcome of it. It was a great movie that would also make you cry.

It focuses on a Jewish Pianist - Classical Musician - that was famous during his time but when the Gestapo, Germans, conquered. He became a prisoner during the war, he tries to survive with the help of strangers; who helped him find an apartment inside the German Territory - situated in front of a hospital and a gestapo police station. The helper told him that the best place to hide is inside the territory of your enemies for they won't think twice of bombing their area. But later on, the German finds out because of the uprising of the jews.

Later on, He was walking through destroyed houses and was in starvation. A German Officer finds him in one of the houses and finds out that he was a musician. Then, he was helped by the German by receiving food until the War ended.

In the end, the officer was killed because he's one of the Gestapo's - or a part of Adolf Hitler's party - but before he died, he mentions the musician to a Jew, asking him to look for the man.

Lastly is the "Uprising (2001)".

In this movie, It shows how the Jews stepped up, to fight for their rights. Different people who united together for one goal, to have their freedom.

It starts with the tortures that the German's did to the Jews and how each Jews endured the pain they were witnessing; separated with the people they love, the death of their loved ones and the people around them.

They prepared on how to obtain weapons and planned their sweet revenge. At the end of the movie, only a handful of them survived the war but they showed the Germans that they won't back down to them.

It's an amazing movie which will leave your mouth gaping because of the fast-paced action and the events they had to endure to get back their freedom.

I had watched more movies which is related to the Second World War but these three left a big mark on me. It gave me a glimpse of the past and I yearn to know more, I do plan to read another book which is entitled, "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas". From what I've heard, it's about a boy inside a concentration camp and at the other side is a son of a German officer and then the story goes on which I can't wait to find out. I hear that it also has a movie.

10. Christmassy Feeling

10. Christmassy Feeling

Year 2004 (Incomplete)

Christmas is the time for us to get together with the people we love,not only that it's also the time where Jesus was born. It's when school's out and you can stay at home, getting ready for any trips your family plan to do or a gathering with family and friends. I love spending time with the people I care about and Christmas gives me that opportunity to devote my time with them.

Don't you love the smell of Christmas? It has this unique smell; sweet and pine cone-y. You would also see families and friends hanging out at the mall before Christmas Eve, buying presents and last minute shopping for food to be eaten later.

I remember when I was just a kid, my relatives would come home from different countries just to celebrate Christmas in the Philippines. We would be in the Christmas spirit; the adults would buy presents, arrange games for us - kids-, prepare delicious food, decorate my grandma's house and have a lot more activities for the coming days.

Year 2013

Before Christmas, we would go to Tagaytay, spend the day riding horses and eating in our favorite restaurant, Leslie's. Then we would go home, tired and fall asleep immediately. My cousins and I would be so excited to open our presents that we would sit near the Christmas tree and witness the box of presents  increasing day by day.

The night before Christmas Eve, there would be games and pictures taken with the whole clan, we would all eat dinner and sing the night away in the Theatre room until the day we all have been waiting for, at the strike of 12 am. Everybody will be gathering around in the living room praying and thanking God for another blissful year with the family. We would then open the presents and just have a great time. We would all be laughing and talking until our throats get sore.

Every year or two that would be our routine and we were so used to it that we miss it dearly. Now, everyone is so busy with their own lives in different parts of the world which is why its been a while that we have all gathered.

Year 2014

Yes, until now we still have the Christmas spirit we still eat and have a good time, send presents through mail or money. Either we Skype with the others until morning came, talk and reminisce the past and hope in the coming years that we can all be complete again. Christmas is one of my families way to get closer together, even if we're far apart we would still give time to talk to each other through a phone call or email.

Spending time with my family is always the best time for me, no one can ever replace the connections of my family! My whole Chua Clan doesn't have a complete picture together but in the future we will once again be complete!

For me, Christmas gives off great vibes to everyone. Resulting to a glorious atmosphere and the pleasing feeling the holiday brings. It's my favorite time of the year!

9. All-Time Favorite

9. All-Time Favorite

Do you know that feeling when you would read a certain novel - hundreds of times - but the pleasure you get after reading it will always be there? I love reading novels, it can be: mystery, dystopian, romance, inspirational, historical and other genres. It took me a while to know my all-time favorite novel and I'll confidently boast it!

Dark Inside by Jeyn Roberts

It all started by an Earthquake from all around the world. Humans ,has been turned into murderers by a certain force, started killing people, even if that person was a stranger or family.

These Humans, or known as Baggers, are consumed by their hatred and anger that made them monsters. Their goal is to take what the humans took and bring it back to nature.

The story revolves on four teenagers trying to survive this catastrophe.

Saskatoon, Canada
 Mason, who's mother died in a car accident and his friends died from a school bombing. Being alone made him hear the voices calling him, He tries to fight the darkness inside him, calling out to join their side.

Vancouver, Canada
 Aries, who was on the way to Clayton Heights High School for her theater rehearsal as Alice in Alice in wonderland, was caught in an earthquake and witnessed the death of her best friend but was saved by a mysterious and handsome guy.

Glenmore, Canada
 Clementine, a country girl and a cheerleader, who was forced to leave her mother and father behind to be killed by Baggers. The only thing that gives her strength and motivation to live is to find her brother in Seattle.

Whitefish, United States
 Michael, with his friend, Evans, traveled and met people along the way just to survive, was getting larger. During their hide out, they were ambushed by Baggers and the one thing Michael regretted the most is escaping to avoid death by leaving and betraying his group and be killed.

Rage Within by Jeyn Roberts

"WARNING. WARNING. THE CITY IS CLOSED. NO ONE IS ALLOWED IN OR OUT. THERE ARE GUARDS POSTED. TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT. DO NOT TRY TO LEAVE THE CITY. DO NOT STAY IN YOUR HOMES. IT IS NO LONGER SAFE. SURVIVORS ARE INSTRUCTED TO GO TO THE PLAZA OF NATIONS IN THE DOWNTOWN CORE. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP YOU."

The same recording repeated in an endless loop as the white vans drive around the city, slowly, looking for survivors. 

3 Months After the Earthquakes, The Baggers seem to be more organized; cleaning up the whole place and making a new world order, assuring survivors that they will be safe in the Plaza of Nations.

Meanwhile, Our Protagonists: Mason, Aries, Clementine, Michael, with the other survivors tries to survive in an abandoned house in Vancouver.

Clementine, with the company of Michael, continues to look for her brother in The University of British Columbia and stumbles with a group of students hiding from the Baggers.

Mason, Along with Daniel, are curious of the situation in the Plaza of Nations. They travel in the night and got caught in a dangerous situation.

As the leader of the group, Aries is having a hard time making decisions on certain situations. Should she choose to save another ally from Baggers and risk getting her group killed or choose to protect her group and get ready to move out to their safe house? Should she go look for Mason, Michael and Daniel, after days of their disappearance?

Problems, quarrels, deaths arise, Will they be able to solve it as a group? To trust one another? Or will the group fall apart?

Review:

Dark Inside is another post apocalyptic book that has made me ask for more. In this book - first -, Jeyn Roberts focused on each teenagers lives and own journeys.

I found myself on the edge of my chair while reading the book, page by page. This thrilling sensation I felt which made me kept reading was crazy. I honestly, couldn't stop for a minute because you would feel this urge of wanting to know what will happen.

Dark Inside is strongly exciting and quite creepy. It has a lot of action and heart wrenching moments that you'll want the pace to slow down a bit for so much thrill. The book is very detailed and makes your mind working and you'll be amazed by the twists in the book. 

The only thing i noticed is how the author repeated some words but other than that, It's an awesome book.

Next is, Rage Within, It continues the adventures of our four protagonist to be able to survive. 

This time, It focuses on the opinions of the teenagers on certain decisions and be able to trust each other as a group.

Normally, The first book of a series would be the best of all but as I finished reading Rage Within, I decided that this is (for me) better than Dark Inside, It gets more exciting. 

I can say that, Jeyn Roberts did a good job getting us, readers, allure on her books. Who wouldn't? When you'll be pleased how well informed, more action and creepy exciting parts and addicting that you'd want to reread it.

 The only thing that kind-of bugged me is that I felt no chemistry on (I won't spoil) the protagonists, something was missing. Also, when people they knew died, it was unemotional.

But all in all, it was pretty awesome!

I can't wait for the 3rd book!

I would highly highly recommend this to those who love post apocalyptic books with a little romance on the side.